Vday 2015

14th February 2015 - Valentine's Day. Today, we broke up. 

I don't know what to feel, yet I am overwhelmed with emotions. 

We have been together for 2 years close to 3. At this point we are about 2 months shy of our 3rd anniversary. Compared to many other couples that I know, 2 years is nothing - not even a significant fraction of my time on earth. But these few years we have been together are the only years I truly discovered feelings. 

I think we both saw this coming. 1.5 years down the relationship we started quarrelling - we cracked. The seed of all arguments was always the same, even up to this point - I am selfish, insensitive and uncaring towards his feelings. I like picking on the small things, the way he expressed certain things, the way he behaved. And we go through the same routine when we quarrel - he says something, I start looking upset, he gets frustrated, he flares up, I wouldn't let him have his space, things get blown up, he starts saying I always do this, I apologise and realise my mistakes, he forgives me, and we are okay. 

But then it became a vicious cycle. We could only be happy after every reconciliation when we try to be the best for each other. The arguments were feebly propping up the relationship. We had to be unhappy first to be happy. We broke.

I don't know if I had loved him, because to him I haven't, and whether he felt it is all that truly matters. I doubt myself - perhaps I never loved him enough to put away my selfish demands and expectations. I never loved him enough to put him before myself. I am the reason why he isn't achieving what he wants in life. I always do things too little, too late. He forgives me, he tries his very best to love me like nothing had happened, to make things right all over again. But I fail him. Time and time again I fuck up, and fail him. Because I expect that he would never give up on us.

I am thankful for all the happy memories we shared, for they were what really kept him from giving up many times. I am thankful that in him I saw what romantic love was, until I bargained for more than what I should ask for, until I crossed the line. And I am thankful that he is standing up for himself.

I don't know if I will ever find someone like him. Someone who has everything I need in a partner. And I wish I was a better person to him. I lost his trust in me. And for the first time, I feel like I have really lost him.

To the few close friends whom I have directed to see this: Thank you for taking time to read this. I am hurting, but I will be okay. Please play along with me when I act like nothing has happened, but be patient with me if I ever crumble and please be firm with me. Most importantly, please don't take sides. 

And to you, I am going to miss us. The good and the bad.