Vday 2015

14th February 2015 - Valentine's Day. Today, we broke up. 

I don't know what to feel, yet I am overwhelmed with emotions. 

We have been together for 2 years close to 3. At this point we are about 2 months shy of our 3rd anniversary. Compared to many other couples that I know, 2 years is nothing - not even a significant fraction of my time on earth. But these few years we have been together are the only years I truly discovered feelings. 

I think we both saw this coming. 1.5 years down the relationship we started quarrelling - we cracked. The seed of all arguments was always the same, even up to this point - I am selfish, insensitive and uncaring towards his feelings. I like picking on the small things, the way he expressed certain things, the way he behaved. And we go through the same routine when we quarrel - he says something, I start looking upset, he gets frustrated, he flares up, I wouldn't let him have his space, things get blown up, he starts saying I always do this, I apologise and realise my mistakes, he forgives me, and we are okay. 

But then it became a vicious cycle. We could only be happy after every reconciliation when we try to be the best for each other. The arguments were feebly propping up the relationship. We had to be unhappy first to be happy. We broke.

I don't know if I had loved him, because to him I haven't, and whether he felt it is all that truly matters. I doubt myself - perhaps I never loved him enough to put away my selfish demands and expectations. I never loved him enough to put him before myself. I am the reason why he isn't achieving what he wants in life. I always do things too little, too late. He forgives me, he tries his very best to love me like nothing had happened, to make things right all over again. But I fail him. Time and time again I fuck up, and fail him. Because I expect that he would never give up on us.

I am thankful for all the happy memories we shared, for they were what really kept him from giving up many times. I am thankful that in him I saw what romantic love was, until I bargained for more than what I should ask for, until I crossed the line. And I am thankful that he is standing up for himself.

I don't know if I will ever find someone like him. Someone who has everything I need in a partner. And I wish I was a better person to him. I lost his trust in me. And for the first time, I feel like I have really lost him.

To the few close friends whom I have directed to see this: Thank you for taking time to read this. I am hurting, but I will be okay. Please play along with me when I act like nothing has happened, but be patient with me if I ever crumble and please be firm with me. Most importantly, please don't take sides. 

And to you, I am going to miss us. The good and the bad. 

2014 Once More

Here I am giving another try at blogging, simply because I got very inspired by bestie Wei Ting after reading her blog. Reading her blog made me realize how therapeutic blogging can be, and how much having a blog curates personal milestones and inspiring stories. So a big thank you to Fishgobloop for triggering this sudden spur of excitement to blog and for itching my fingers to write again.

It is half an hour to X'mas, which also means we are a few days shy of New Year's day. So I reckon this is the best time to start on a bout of self-reflection and revisit the major events of 2014, just so I can truly savour all the precious moments 2014 has given me, and most importantly, commit to memory all the beautiful experiences and life-changing lessons I've gathered this year. Otherwise with a memory like mine, 2014 will very soon be a shroud of mist in my goldfish brain.

Here we go!

4.5 months in Örebro, Sweden

First half of 2014 was spent in Europe, with 4.5 months dedicated to learning in and adapting to Sweden. I still vividly remember this time last year I was busy preparing myself for this long-awaited exchange, buying winter clothes and settling all the paperworks required for my departure. 

I was extremely blessed to go to Sweden with 3 other beautiful individuals who were complete strangers to me at first. All my worries about not fitting in dissipated quickly, and we got along so well despite being 4 completely different individuals. Being in a foreign land, we only had each other - we braved the cold together, we fell on slippery, icy grounds together, we caught the Northern lights together, we traveled to and hobo-ed in different airports together, we cooked and ate together, we zumba-ed together, we watched Bollywood movies together, we stargazed together and caught shooting stars together. We called ourselves the #swedishteletubbies.

Living alone in Örebro, I learnt to become more independent, taking on tasks and responsibilities often taken up by others in my family when I was back home. More than just that, I learnt to be more independent emotionally. I discovered the value of having alone time, and realized that being alone is not a bad thing sometimes. It allows you to think and grow your own perceptions. I enjoyed very much the times I spent walking alone, and often find myself in the company of highland cows grazing at the back of the campus when winter was near its end. Even dandelions, which are supposedly weeds, were beautiful and inspiring. You start seeing the beauty in small things.

I spent my 21st birthday in a pub in Amsterdam, going out of my comfort zone and trying things I never would have thought I'd try. The outcome: Never again. But still, it is one memorable 21st birthday to tell.

When it was time to leave Örebro, the 4 of us sat on the bus and I remember tears welling up in my eyes when I realized I was saying goodbye to a place I love so very much.

1 month of traveling with le mama

Following my exchange at Örebro, I looked forward to meeting my mother at London, before we embarked on our 1-month exploration around Europe. I had the opportunity to plan for the entire trip, from the lodging to the transportation. It was a chore planning the itinerary, but the outcome was exhilarating. We had the luxury of visiting 5 countries, 11 cities. My mom and I soaked up the rich culture and basked in the unique vibes of each city we visited. Staying in AirBnbs gave us a chance to mingle with the locals and learn more about their lives.

And for the first time in 21 years, I felt our roles reverse. I had to take care of my mother throughout the trip, ensuring that we get to places on time, and ensuring that we even get to places. Even though I was down with stomach flu during our leg in Germany and mom had to take care of me, I felt myself taking the responsibility to ensure things went smoothly throughout the trip. That was when I felt that this shit is real: I am really growing up.

Year 3.1

Year 3.1, a pretty unhappening semester, in all honesty. Besides taking Intro To Modern Dance, which is the most exciting, I had many non-examinable modules. Which means that my grades are pretty much set by the work I submit throughout the semester, and I am robbed of the ability to pull my grades up with finals. But that aside, I enjoyed the modules I have this semester - Media Law, PR Writing, Corporate Communications - I am finally doing modules related to my prospective career path.

Year 3.1 is also the last semester I get to be in NTU together with TW. I will be off for internship next semester while he remains in school to complete his last semester of university. Bittersweet feelings here. Bitter because I am going to miss the carefree times we share together as students, and sweet because I look forward to a new phase of life with this special one.

2014 has been pretty good to me. I am surrounded with the ones I love, and am always feeling loved in some way or another. I may have lost some people along the way, lost contact, lost touch, but I am happy that those who matter are kept close to me. There are people I miss, and people I wish bothered a bit more, but I have come to terms with it, and learnt that it takes both hands to clap.

I am grateful for a closely-knitted family that showers me with so much love and care. We may not see eye to eye at times, but we always fill the cracks with more love, more forgiveness. Kinship triumphs all, and I am thankful that every single person in the family plays a part in keeping the feeling strong.

I am grateful for TW who knows me better than I know myself. It is uncanny. We can quarrel and throw hissy fits at each other, but I know deep down not to underestimate what we share. 2014 has been a rollercoaster ride, with a short go at LDR and many other ups and downs. But I am glad we emerged learning things about each other, and always go home to each other. I am brimming with anticipation and hope for many more years ahead with you, dear.

I am thankful for my best friend, who has given me faith that true friendship exists. I am thankful for inspiring people like you around me, and I am lucky to have you to share my vulnerabilities with. I know you always got my back, and you have been my biggest support throughout the year, even though we may be miles apart. Our circumstances has made us difficult to meet often, but I am thankful we got a chance to plan for your 21st birthday together. Thank you for all the effort you've taken to keep us together.